Catch 22 - Can you be a Father if your children don’t know you exist?

First of all I would like to take a bit of time to explain that I love all of my children and would do anything for them. This is just a question for everyone, and I will try to explain things as easy as I can with my lack of English skills.

My mother is going to see my two Children on Sunday as it was my Son Jack’s Birthday. She has not seen them for awhile as she is heavily depressed, and finds it hard enough getting out of bed lately.

She just told me that my Ex ex (Steph) has asked me to send some money over. I would love to send money to my children but have now been told  by my Solicitors to keep money I would normally send my children and put it into a savings account.

The reason I am so stuck with this situation is because I feel like “Why the hell should I send money” but i also see the “They are your children” which is why I did send them money before… And ended up paying TWICE as my ex ex lied about me sending money.

I have not seen my Son for over a year now, I never get a Chirstmas card, Birthday card, Fathers day card or even photos… but my ex still expects me to do everything a normal father would do… but I don’t get anything a father should get.

Even before all the crap that is going on in my life started she was a evil bitch. I had my Daughter who was “3″ at the time tell me “Mummy told me you was dead”! And then I had them used as pawns to get me to do everything she wanted. Read more »

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Its my Sons Birthday

Its my Son jacks birthday…. Ive not seen him for over a year now and from what I am told I would not even recognise him if I did see him (A lot like my daughter who I have never seen). I don’t really like to find out much about him any more, so when my mum goes to see him I try not to let her tell me much… It is not that I don’t care about him… It is just I cant bare to know what I am missing and I find it hard enough coping without my children let alone knowing all the wonderful things I am missing.

The last time I held Jack he could not walk, talk and was only just growing teeth, he was the most quite baby I have ever known… He looked just like me apart from his amazing eyes which he got from his mother (See I can say nice things about her). I always remember how Faith (My eldest daughter) use to take toys off him and he would get mad and grab them back. He would scream at her and make her know she cant boss him around… I wonder how they get on now.

The last time I tried to give any of my children any money I had it thrown in my face. I was told not to bother and had a Solicitor patronise me about how it MAY LOOK in court. So I guess i shall just have to put the money aside from now on. Id love to buy him things but the truth is I don’t know if I could even look at toys for him… Let alone buy him anything.

Happy Birthday Jack, I will try to make it up to you one day.

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My children are pawns in a never ending game

So much has happened to me over the years and it is really hard for me to see what my life used to be like. When me and Steph split up 2 years ago, it was a real hard time for me. I was without my children and lost everything I owned. I was lucky enough to have a amazing new partner who made dealing with things much more easy…. At first I did get to see my children from time to time., but it always had to have strings attached. I would have to go meet up with my kids with Steph and have dinner or have to go to our old house and pick them up. The only problem with these was it always turned into her getting upset because she would try to get back with me. This really did stress me out because if I said no I would not see my children and she would get mad at me and drag them away… But if i said yes it would split me and my partner up and Stephs new partner (Who she was living with).

My answer was always “I don’t know, I have to think about things” and that would normally get me out of things. But sometimes it was so hard because my daughter would love seeing me and her mum together… I never did get back with her and nothing every happened… It was just emotional blackmail that she used that still effects me to this day.

My children are worth the world to me (All of them), but it is not fair to just make a relationship work just for your children. I knew we would never work, and i had tried for a very long time.

To put children through breakups and fights is just wrong, it is best to remove the situation and try to work things out straight away. Steph was in a new relationship and so was I… So why destroy her new partners life and my new partners?

When I finally made it very clear that I would never get back with her she started to do many evil things. She would tell me to pick my children up from my Mothers house and when I traveled there (2hs journey) they would not be there… This was very emotional for me as I had waited maybe 2-4 weeks for this day… And she would give me no explanation apart from “Don’t call me” or “Stay at your mums and ill drop them off tomorrow” which she did because she did not want me to be with my new partner.

She would also threaten me with taking my children away from my mother… if i never did things she would say “If you don’t, your mum will never see your children again” which she knew would effect me as my mother has issues of her own. This would also effect my Sister who is very much attached to my daughter and also has issues. She always knew what strings to pull with me… She would build me up to days I would see my children and then drag them away from me… She knew I could do nothing because anything “I” did is seen as bad in the eyes of the law… But anything she does is not believed in the eyes of the law.

She would make up lies, attack me a number of times and not tell me where my children were even living. My daughter one day even told me “Mummy told me you died and would not come back” which broke my heart.

With the whole situation I am in right now (Which I cant do into right now) it has made me see that to protect myself I have to remove myself from the situation until I can change it. This is very hard to do as my children are on my mind 24/7 along with my partner (Who I can no longer see).

I can no longer watch most TV shows because they remind me of family life, I cant listen to much music because it reminds me of my partner, and I have to watch what I read.

My whole life is on hold till the day I get to see my children and am able to move on from this situation I am in and have no control over.

One thing I always ask myself is “Has this changed me for the better?”, and my answer is “I don’t know” because I would kill for this not to have happened as it has been hell… But I have learnt so much and become so much stronger from this…

The only thing that kills me everyday is I know my children are out there right now… Not that far away from me… getting older and wiser…

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You are worth it - Poem

One more day of no happiness,
One more day of no you,
one more day of no fullness,
But oneday I’ll be with you,

I cant wait to push you in the swing,
Ask me to make you go higher,
To call me Daddy once in awhile,
To look into your eyes,
I cant wait to see you smile,

The system has destroyed our time, but only for a while,
We have our future forever more, ill walk that extra mile,
Ive done everything that’s been asked of me, but its still not enough,
I don’t know what to give anymore, I never knew it would be so tough,

Ive gone through all the motions, Ive lost everything that was true,
But when it comes down to it all, ill fight for my children, ill fight even you,

Lee Doyle’s Poems are licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative
Works 2.0 UK: England & Wales License. Please read it to find out all the copyright info for this poem.

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Hate weekends

As you can see I do not post much at the moment… I am not 100% sure why not as I do have things to say but find it hard right now to just be bothered to write…. So instead of replying to all the e-mails ill just write this.

At the moment I am just finding it hard because I have yet to see my new baby daughter and also I have not seen Faith and Jack for months… And weekends just effect me more right now for some reason.

I am not getting back to my old self though, so no need to worry there… Its just I miss them.. Also its been weeks since anything has happened and I just want all this over and done with.

I am going to start to write to some people soon who have asked me too so I guess I will do that this weekend to get something done…

I will try to get some more poems on here soon…

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