Learn to love pain - Poem

Every time I remember you, you just disappear in the rain,
I just wish this whole thing would fade away,
Just tell me, your not forgetting, all the times that we shared,
And I’ll remember, all the feelings, and all the times you looked so scared,

The hell that I live, is the only thing that keeps me sane,
Waking to remember you, now I enjoy the pain,
To take the pain away, would be to lose the ghost of you,
I wish I could touch you, and let you know, how much I love you,

The walls they built around me, have now become my home,
To scared to walk on the outside, feeling safer all alone,
The days are just ticking, till I’ll be set free,
But will it change? Can I forget? All the things they did to me,

Looking in the past, is not looking through my eyes,
My mind has changes, people have gone, and I see nothing but their lies,
The only thing I’d change, is not being by your side,
But ill show you one day, I did my best, I tried, and I tried,

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Its my Sons Birthday

Its my Son jacks birthday…. Ive not seen him for over a year now and from what I am told I would not even recognise him if I did see him (A lot like my daughter who I have never seen). I don’t really like to find out much about him any more, so when my mum goes to see him I try not to let her tell me much… It is not that I don’t care about him… It is just I cant bare to know what I am missing and I find it hard enough coping without my children let alone knowing all the wonderful things I am missing.

The last time I held Jack he could not walk, talk and was only just growing teeth, he was the most quite baby I have ever known… He looked just like me apart from his amazing eyes which he got from his mother (See I can say nice things about her). I always remember how Faith (My eldest daughter) use to take toys off him and he would get mad and grab them back. He would scream at her and make her know she cant boss him around… I wonder how they get on now.

The last time I tried to give any of my children any money I had it thrown in my face. I was told not to bother and had a Solicitor patronise me about how it MAY LOOK in court. So I guess i shall just have to put the money aside from now on. Id love to buy him things but the truth is I don’t know if I could even look at toys for him… Let alone buy him anything.

Happy Birthday Jack, I will try to make it up to you one day.

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Fed up with being alone!!!!!!!!!+1

I am just here to say how fed up I am with being alone. It sucks, it more then sucks! It is the worst thing ever. I do not know how people cope with it or even some people wanting to be alone.

Right now I just feel so damn alone that I am here writing about what its like to be alone for company! God I am such a looser.

I wish I could explain what it is like right now but i just cant get the words out of my head. I just need company!!! God I think the most company I have had was today when I got interviewed and you know what? I felt better then than I do now. At least they wanted to talk to me….

I never knew how being alone can effect you…. Just talking to someone makes you feel so much better! I just got off the phone with Jolly and it made me so damn happy just to talk to someone… Even though I think by the end of it I had him falling a sleep.

II guess I can take some good things away from this, ill always treasure company now! I always took it for granted people being around me, I used to love staying up on the computer and working on websites or doing something nerdy… But I just would love to pack all that in and just have a damn family! Who would have thought id ever say that a few years ago?

I feel like that guy Tom Hanks played… I think the movie was Cast away. Soon ill be sat here with a football and talking to it for company…. Who knows maybe I already am and I do not know it… Maybe it was not even Jolly on the phone…. See they have turned me mad.

Well I guess ill leave you now, yes I am going crazy so if SS or Police are reading this your winning! Wooh hoo big up your-self!

Hope your OK baby, sweet dreams, love you

xxxx

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