Suicide

The past few weeks have been very very  hard for me. I keep trying to write things down on here but am just finding it so fing hard.

A friend of me committed suicide last week, and I have just found it so hard to cope with. I find it hard because I can understand why he did it… In some ways I am envious of him. He has peace now and will no longer spend every day hurting and living in pain.

I knew he was going to do it… I did try to stop him (Like I do with many people) and even though I tried so hard to talk him out of it, I could really understand why he was like he was.

He has not seen his children for 2 years. He is in Family court every month and is meant to have access to see his own children. He has had a court order to see them every other weekend for over 6 months… But every time he drives to pick them up they are never there.

I have stayed up many times talking to him and sometimes it is like talking to myself. He would give me photos of his daughter and tell me “This is what she looked like the last time I saw her” and then tell me “I don’t even know if I would recognize her anymore” to which I can relate.

He tried so hard to stick to the rules and went through all the right channels. He would wait all month for his time in court only to have his ex not turn up. He would drive the 2hours to go and pick his children up…. Even though he knew they would never be there.

He tried so hard, and now he is dead. I know he killed himself… but it was really the courts, laws, and his ex who killed him. You can only kick a man down so many times…

He told me he was at breaking point and he did not know what he would do. He told me he felt like killing some people and was no longer sure that he could control himself. He was very frustrated with everything and felt powerless. He was a nervous wreck and had lost so much weight that many people never knew who he was anymore.

He would tell me how he found it hard going to public places because he would see families and they would remind him of his own that was taken from him.

His last words: “I only ever wanted to me a good dad. I tried but had it taken away from me. I never did anything wrong apart from trying to keep my marriage alive. Now I will never see my children again. I cant cope anymore”

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Black and white of personal Blogging

YING YANG DemoniK by ~pantera714

Introduction

This week has been so strange! I have been working out non-stop and trying to get as fit as i possibly can… But I have also been really down and upset… So i guess ill split this post into two so i can get everything out.

Please remember that this is  personal blog! I have had so many people e-mailing me asking why I am not posting and why I am not running contests or posting about other things I post about now and again… Maybe this blog is a bit messed up as I personally have no idea what it is about any more.

Anyway, I shall star

White

I am now in the TOP 100K Alexa rankings

I also had some GREAT comments and some funny feedback from my last post and tricked some people really good! I loved it!

I got myself a cool bike this week! I love it and have been riding it all I can… I did a long bike ride and it nearly killed me! I could not walk up my stairs without aches and pains

I have also got myself some cool work out gear for when I cant be bothered to go out It is nice to work out and it just makes myself feel better

i have also been working with someone is designing some T-shirts and other items for when I go to court. I love the designs and hopefully in the next week or two I will also have a new template for my blog It is from my favourite designer Jai from www.blogohblog.com! I am using his template now (Very modified though) but wanted a personal one from him.

Black

The last few weeks my Mum has gone to see Faith and Jack which is great for them… but for me its just a downer as I just do not know what to say when they get back I should be happy for them and should also ask how everyone is doing… But I just find it hard to know as it just makes me see what I am missing and all the time ill never get back. Faith is meant to be really big now… jack is meant to be walking and doing other things a kid his age should be doing…. I just hope soon i get some pictures or something.

She also saw my ex and my Daughter harmony the other day. I find it really hard to hear anything about harmony as apart from some images I have no idea what she is like… I also miss my ex like crazy It sucks because I know we never failed! We did not split or leave on bad terms… We were forced apart by the powers that be.

I have no idea what she is doing… how she is coping raising a child on her own (Maybe she not on her own? Who knows) and I just wish I had some way to find out how my daughter is doing….

I have been contacted by some producers via this blog about them following me and the stages I will go through. I have turned it down because I know how the media can lie and turn on you without you knowing… I know the producer from a meeting I had with her a while ago… She is a very nice lady but until I this is over idon’t see myself doing anything to turn more attention to myself or people I was/am linked too.

I also have not been in the mood for much blogging… I have been so busy with some side projects and friends I talk to that blogging has taken a back seat. I also have been working on the poetry book I have been working on and hope to get that out as soon as everything is over.

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Catch 22 - Can you be a Father if your children don’t know you exist?

First of all I would like to take a bit of time to explain that I love all of my children and would do anything for them. This is just a question for everyone, and I will try to explain things as easy as I can with my lack of English skills.

My mother is going to see my two Children on Sunday as it was my Son Jack’s Birthday. She has not seen them for awhile as she is heavily depressed, and finds it hard enough getting out of bed lately.

She just told me that my Ex ex (Steph) has asked me to send some money over. I would love to send money to my children but have now been told  by my Solicitors to keep money I would normally send my children and put it into a savings account.

The reason I am so stuck with this situation is because I feel like “Why the hell should I send money” but i also see the “They are your children” which is why I did send them money before… And ended up paying TWICE as my ex ex lied about me sending money.

I have not seen my Son for over a year now, I never get a Chirstmas card, Birthday card, Fathers day card or even photos… but my ex still expects me to do everything a normal father would do… but I don’t get anything a father should get.

Even before all the crap that is going on in my life started she was a evil bitch. I had my Daughter who was “3″ at the time tell me “Mummy told me you was dead”! And then I had them used as pawns to get me to do everything she wanted. Read more »

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