The past few weeks have been very very  hard for me. I keep trying to write things down on here but am just finding it so fing hard.

A friend of me committed suicide last week, and I have just found it so hard to cope with. I find it hard because I can understand why he did it… In some ways I am envious of him. He has peace now and will no longer spend every day hurting and living in pain.

I knew he was going to do it… I did try to stop him (Like I do with many people) and even though I tried so hard to talk him out of it, I could really understand why he was like he was.

He has not seen his children for 2 years. He is in Family court every month and is meant to have access to see his own children. He has had a court order to see them every other weekend for over 6 months… But every time he drives to pick them up they are never there.

I have stayed up many times talking to him and sometimes it is like talking to myself. He would give me photos of his daughter and tell me “This is what she looked like the last time I saw her” and then tell me “I don’t even know if I would recognize her anymore” to which I can relate.

He tried so hard to stick to the rules and went through all the right channels. He would wait all month for his time in court only to have his ex not turn up. He would drive the 2hours to go and pick his children up…. Even though he knew they would never be there.

He tried so hard, and now he is dead. I know he killed himself… but it was really the courts, laws, and his ex who killed him. You can only kick a man down so many times…

He told me he was at breaking point and he did not know what he would do. He told me he felt like killing some people and was no longer sure that he could control himself. He was very frustrated with everything and felt powerless. He was a nervous wreck and had lost so much weight that many people never knew who he was anymore.

He would tell me how he found it hard going to public places because he would see families and they would remind him of his own that was taken from him.

His last words: “I only ever wanted to me a good dad. I tried but had it taken away from me. I never did anything wrong apart from trying to keep my marriage alive. Now I will never see my children again. I cant cope anymore”