Suicide

The past few weeks have been very very  hard for me. I keep trying to write things down on here but am just finding it so fing hard.

A friend of me committed suicide last week, and I have just found it so hard to cope with. I find it hard because I can understand why he did it… In some ways I am envious of him. He has peace now and will no longer spend every day hurting and living in pain.

I knew he was going to do it… I did try to stop him (Like I do with many people) and even though I tried so hard to talk him out of it, I could really understand why he was like he was.

He has not seen his children for 2 years. He is in Family court every month and is meant to have access to see his own children. He has had a court order to see them every other weekend for over 6 months… But every time he drives to pick them up they are never there.

I have stayed up many times talking to him and sometimes it is like talking to myself. He would give me photos of his daughter and tell me “This is what she looked like the last time I saw her” and then tell me “I don’t even know if I would recognize her anymore” to which I can relate.

He tried so hard to stick to the rules and went through all the right channels. He would wait all month for his time in court only to have his ex not turn up. He would drive the 2hours to go and pick his children up…. Even though he knew they would never be there.

He tried so hard, and now he is dead. I know he killed himself… but it was really the courts, laws, and his ex who killed him. You can only kick a man down so many times…

He told me he was at breaking point and he did not know what he would do. He told me he felt like killing some people and was no longer sure that he could control himself. He was very frustrated with everything and felt powerless. He was a nervous wreck and had lost so much weight that many people never knew who he was anymore.

He would tell me how he found it hard going to public places because he would see families and they would remind him of his own that was taken from him.

His last words: “I only ever wanted to me a good dad. I tried but had it taken away from me. I never did anything wrong apart from trying to keep my marriage alive. Now I will never see my children again. I cant cope anymore”

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Thinking of going to Germany (Hildesheim)

I was planning on going to Honk Kong not so long ago… Bug that kind of fell apart for a number of reasons…. I’d still love to go though.

Well I have a friend who I have been hanging out with who is going to Germany soon and I may tag along. I have nothing to do over the next few months… And most of what I do now is just talk to people on the phone, go jogging, worry about my diet, and fix other peoples problems so I don’t think about my own.

Well my friend has a place to stay in a lovely town called Hildesheim which looks amazing, I love these types of towns! I have been looking at loads of photos that she took the last time she was there…. Its just beautiful! I am not sure how long I will be staying but id like to stay as long as I can.

Ill keep you updated and if I do go ill take some pics

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Its my Sons Birthday

Its my Son jacks birthday…. Ive not seen him for over a year now and from what I am told I would not even recognise him if I did see him (A lot like my daughter who I have never seen). I don’t really like to find out much about him any more, so when my mum goes to see him I try not to let her tell me much… It is not that I don’t care about him… It is just I cant bare to know what I am missing and I find it hard enough coping without my children let alone knowing all the wonderful things I am missing.

The last time I held Jack he could not walk, talk and was only just growing teeth, he was the most quite baby I have ever known… He looked just like me apart from his amazing eyes which he got from his mother (See I can say nice things about her). I always remember how Faith (My eldest daughter) use to take toys off him and he would get mad and grab them back. He would scream at her and make her know she cant boss him around… I wonder how they get on now.

The last time I tried to give any of my children any money I had it thrown in my face. I was told not to bother and had a Solicitor patronise me about how it MAY LOOK in court. So I guess i shall just have to put the money aside from now on. Id love to buy him things but the truth is I don’t know if I could even look at toys for him… Let alone buy him anything.

Happy Birthday Jack, I will try to make it up to you one day.

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