So much has happened to me over the years and it is really hard for me to see what my life used to be like. When me and Steph split up 2 years ago, it was a real hard time for me. I was without my children and lost everything I owned. I was lucky enough to have a amazing new partner who made dealing with things much more easy…. At first I did get to see my children from time to time., but it always had to have strings attached. I would have to go meet up with my kids with Steph and have dinner or have to go to our old house and pick them up. The only problem with these was it always turned into her getting upset because she would try to get back with me. This really did stress me out because if I said no I would not see my children and she would get mad at me and drag them away… But if i said yes it would split me and my partner up and Stephs new partner (Who she was living with).

My answer was always “I don’t know, I have to think about things” and that would normally get me out of things. But sometimes it was so hard because my daughter would love seeing me and her mum together… I never did get back with her and nothing every happened… It was just emotional blackmail that she used that still effects me to this day.

My children are worth the world to me (All of them), but it is not fair to just make a relationship work just for your children. I knew we would never work, and i had tried for a very long time.

To put children through breakups and fights is just wrong, it is best to remove the situation and try to work things out straight away. Steph was in a new relationship and so was I… So why destroy her new partners life and my new partners?

When I finally made it very clear that I would never get back with her she started to do many evil things. She would tell me to pick my children up from my Mothers house and when I traveled there (2hs journey) they would not be there… This was very emotional for me as I had waited maybe 2-4 weeks for this day… And she would give me no explanation apart from “Don’t call me” or “Stay at your mums and ill drop them off tomorrow” which she did because she did not want me to be with my new partner.

She would also threaten me with taking my children away from my mother… if i never did things she would say “If you don’t, your mum will never see your children again” which she knew would effect me as my mother has issues of her own. This would also effect my Sister who is very much attached to my daughter and also has issues. She always knew what strings to pull with me… She would build me up to days I would see my children and then drag them away from me… She knew I could do nothing because anything “I” did is seen as bad in the eyes of the law… But anything she does is not believed in the eyes of the law.

She would make up lies, attack me a number of times and not tell me where my children were even living. My daughter one day even told me “Mummy told me you died and would not come back” which broke my heart.

With the whole situation I am in right now (Which I cant do into right now) it has made me see that to protect myself I have to remove myself from the situation until I can change it. This is very hard to do as my children are on my mind 24/7 along with my partner (Who I can no longer see).

I can no longer watch most TV shows because they remind me of family life, I cant listen to much music because it reminds me of my partner, and I have to watch what I read.

My whole life is on hold till the day I get to see my children and am able to move on from this situation I am in and have no control over.

One thing I always ask myself is “Has this changed me for the better?”, and my answer is “I don’t know” because I would kill for this not to have happened as it has been hell… But I have learnt so much and become so much stronger from this…

The only thing that kills me everyday is I know my children are out there right now… Not that far away from me… getting older and wiser…